After all this time... am I still the same?

I have been in a relationship for a year and two months now... So much has changed... my hair has re-grown, i dyed it (luve the colour =)) I got this cute little skull tattoo which I love.

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Whoa girl, let's start at the very beginning...

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I guess it all started with me meeting this guy... He was a breath of fresh air and I loved being with him. He can always make me feel better when my family is being judgemental or when I'm feeling bad. I love him... I would like to imagine a life with him forever in my life, but... - why does that word have to creep in everytime? - but I haven't been swept off my feet so to speak... I really care for him but I know he cares for me much more than I care for him... and that frightens me. I'm afraid I'll end up hurting him; on the other hand... am I playing with his heart by telling him that I love him? I DO love him... just not as much as he loves me... :/ He cares too much about me... why?

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There's also this girl I met last year... I've known her a bit longer than I've known my bf and I would like to think we're very close... but at the same time I feel that I am keeping her at arm's length; or maybe she is... There's a mystery to her... and it intrigues me. Sometimes I prefer being with her and her friends rather than with my bf... I feel like I have to keep them apart... my friends, or my bf... why do I feel like I have to choose?

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I made a couple of new friends... It's funny how you make friends sometimes. =) Latest friend I made was through facebook pokes hehe... We started poking each other, then added each other as friends, then messaging each other on facebook, then im-ing... It's funny how much stuff we have in common... I joked about being exchanged at birth hehe... even our birthdays are just a few days apart... I like him... =) He's tall and he makes me laugh most of the time... and i love teasing and trying to tickle him and watch him squirm away hehe...

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I got back in touch with some old friends. It's good that I have friends but sometimes I think no one really knows me... everyone has these bits and pieces of me and if they got together maybe they would make a fragmented picture of me... but not a whole one, not a clear one. I pour my heart out to a lot of people... but there is so much stuff they don't know about me.

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Wierd random stuff that people should know about me:

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1. I have a tattoo and I luv it and I show it off whenever I can =P

2. I have black hair with purple streaks which don't show much but I am going to add more streaks in 3-4 weeks

3. I'm 22 and I'm moving out in three months (finally)

4. I currently don't own a car but I have a driver's license.

5. I like to think that I'm wierd

6. I'm too kind for my own good; it usually ends up in me getting hurt

7. I can't be evil... at least not intentionally...

8. I'm very patient and it takes me a long time to lose my temper... however... when I lose my temper I totally explode.

9. When I pin up the clothes to dry I sing and I match the colour and style of the clothespins.

10. Music is my life.

11. I only know how to cook basic stuff.

12. I like to stand out or blend in depending on my mood... but it's usually the first.

13. I always had this feeling that I'm going to die at the age of 40 with some sort of cancer

14. I like my boobs. :P

15. I luve teasing :)

Finally, another update :)

Hello there,
It's been 10 whole days since I last wrote. I was meaning to write but sometimes I would be tired after work, or I would be going out, or I simply forgot. Today, I remembered and as soon as I switched on the pc, I logged in here to put in an update.
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I'm really tired today, because I slept late yesterday, at 2 am (it was technically today in the early morning =P) then I had to wake up at 7 to get ready for work. I left work early today because I had a headache and when I arrived home I tried to take a nap but I couldn't sleep. Then finally, I fell asleep for 30 mins, only to be woken up by my sis entering the room (i'm a VERY light sleeper). It would be useless trying to sleep again so I got up and came down here to the pc room.
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Now I am going to watch a dvd and try to have an early night because tomorrow I have to work again. I've rented three dvds but I will only watch one today.
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I would have liked to write something which is more interesting than just a simple update on the events that happened today, but I am honestly too tired to think. I will try to think of a good subject for next time.
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Take care y'all
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Hugz
xxx
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Lilac

A ray of hope?

It's been some time since I last wrote. I'm currently listening to rock music, so I'm feeling quite energised, even though I have been at work from 9 to 17.15; and then having to go straight to school to discuss the assigments. I'm supposed to be doing an assignment right now but I'm procrastinating. I just need to relax and unwind after more than 8 hours of non-stop running about and working. So, I am currently singing my heart out to Nightwish and trying not to dance on the chair like an idiot (and failing miserably hehe). Well, at least I'm having fun right now, which is more than I can say I have had these past days. And I'm happy and relaxed.
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It's strange how my mood changes so quickly. But I know why I'm happy. I hope it won't be short lived. We'll see. In the meantime I will continue listening and singing to Guns N' Roses, ACDC, Nightwish and Iron Maiden.
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Take care y'all :P
xxx
Lilac

Scared and empty...

I don't know how to express myself so I'm just going to copy an old poem I wrote some time ago:

Reflections

She once thought
that all the world
was good,
that everyone was kind.
How she longs for
that time
when she thought ‘perfect’
could describe everything…
When she knew that
somewhere,
there was a God
looking after her.
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Now
she looks at herself,
her thoughts…
her character…
and she wonders how
she could have changed so much.
From that innocent child
she has turned
into an
angel of despair.
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She knows now
that there is no
such thing
as perfect.
and everyone is
evil,
and ‘God’ exists
only for those precious,
good at everything…
saints!
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Perfect does not exist!
It can never exist.
There will always be
war…
strife…
hate…
death!
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Because people…
want…
to be evil!
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And as tears
wet her pillow,
darkness surrounds her,
despair engulfs…
and rest shall never be attained.
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And she…
I…
will never be the same,
ever again.

Self-reflection

I'm experiencing a whirlwind of emotions. I feel kind of sad and subdued today. I would like to blame it solely on fatigue but I need to stop escaping my feelings. As I told a new friend of mine recently: "the time has come for some more self-reflection. It helps to analyse my feelings. Put them into perspective so to speak. It improves my overall self-knowledge and helps me to be more realistic.
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Yesterday, I was invited to a bbq at the beach. I really had fun but since I'm still quite new in the group I was quiet and reflective. It was quite embarrassing. They must have thought that I'm this shy and reserved girl, and I know I can be as confident and outgoing as the nest person.
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I feel lonely even if I'm surrounded by people; friends. I'm lonely... I don't know why. It's like I'm all alone in the world. I'm not saying that I don't appreciate my friends; I do, a lot. But I feel that part of my heart [or is it soul?] is constantly empty and void.
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I thought that this "void" part would be filled once I found "true love", whatever that is... What is love? A feeling? Maybe it's just some wierd chemical coursing through our viens, making us go haywire. I would like to believe that the "love" that romantic films and novels portray really exists; but, on the other hand, I have no first hand experience of a "happily ever after..." so what guarantee do I have? Is this like religion - Just another leap of faith? If so, then Dear God, I don't think I have the capacity of, well; faith...
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It's not like I don't try to believe in love. I'm a hopeless romantic, the type that dreams of being "rescued by a knight in shining armour". [Oh my God, that's so corny, haha!] On the other hand, I did pass my fair share of breakups and hurtful relationships. So what usually happens is this:
- I start thinking on how much I want to have that someone special to love and be loved.
- Catch myself thinking about the above and the cynic in myself pipes up:
"Who are you kidding? There is no 'happily ever after'. It is only the absurd reality in romantic films for those disillusioned people who still believe that we are fundamentally good in this world. Wars, famine, theft... These are not illusions. It's proof. And what does it prove my dear disillusioned child? It proves the direct opposite of what those cliche' films want us to believe. People are fundamentally evil and selfish. Why is it so easy to do evil and so difficult to do good deeds?"
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I would like to let some tears fall down my face. It would release some pent up anger and sadness... but my eyes run dry...
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So, in sadness I leave you to reflect on the above words. Don't get yourselves down; remember there are beautiful things out there too, even if sometimes I'm so wrapped up in my teeny tiny insignificant life to see them.
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I've got to remember. Poppies. Butterflies. The BEACH. The Sun. I still feel sad, but somewhat resigned. It's good to pour my heart out once in a while. ~small smile~
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Goodnight my dear readers
Take care always
Lilac

Some Pictures

I wish I have the courage to go out like this everyday :) [Worn during carnival weekend]

Of course, It should go with a spiky wig!!! haha XP

What kind of eye colour is this? I told you I'm wierd! Doink!!!

My new hairstyle :)

Updates

I realised last time I was proofreading that I started the last four entries with the word 'So'. Now that's quite bad :P (Don't tell me you just scrolled down to check?) Don't you believe me? XP.
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I love my new hairdo, I mean absolutely LURVEEE it :) I think I will update a photo soon, then you can tell me what you think :). I had a wonderful time on Saturday with my new friends. Now I'm meeting some of them tomorrow to go to the beach. I'm quite looking forward to it actually because it's been quite a long time since I went. I'm quite concerned with how my hair is going to turn out. You see, it's straight now since my hairdresser blowdried it, but I can rest assured that as soon as it touches the sea it will turn all curly. Hopefully it will turn out ok, but I'll just have to wait and see.
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Anyway, I think that's all for now. Quite a short post, but I hope I will be able to write a longer one later on during the week. Hopefully, I will have time for some self-reflection... I have a feeling that I'm going to need to do that quite soon.
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Keep you posted sweeties.
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(optimistic today as you can see-the idea of being able to escape to the beach has lifted my spirits)
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Take care x x x